


I believe

by IsolatedPsycho



Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-07 20:40:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19217137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsolatedPsycho/pseuds/IsolatedPsycho
Summary: The Aether ghoul has struck up a friendship with Brother Matthew, one of the cooks in the clergy kitchen. They are both head over heels for the other, but also too dumb to see the signs and too scared to act on it. Or are they?...





	1. I believe

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically my self insert feel good angstdump thingy. Don't really expect anyone to read it, but if you do and you like it, please let me know *awkward finger guns*

Brother Matthew bit his lip and groaned in satisfaction, going at it even harder, locking eyes with Aether, his companion for the night. They'd been at it for what felt like hours, only having short break to take a moment to breathe, have a sip of water and change positions. Aether was currently infront of him, grinning manically, doing his best to match Matthew's tempo.

After they finished, they sat in companionable silence, smiling and still out of breath. " Damn that felt nice, you've improved like crazy since our first time!" Brother Matthew grinned at the compliment. "you ain't too bad yourself, big guy." he replied.

After catching their breaths for a few more minutes, the stood to put their instruments back to their respective places and do a quick cleanup of the music room they were in, Aether putting the guitars and the keyboard back in their place, Matthew putting away the bass and straightening up the drumkit he had been using for the last 20 minutes.

"Same deal as always?" Aether asked with a hopeful look on his face. Allthough he was exhausted, Brother Matthew didn't have it in his heart to say no to the ghoul. Aether jumped with joy as Matthew nodded a yes. "Sweet! My place or yours?" The ghoul asked as they made their way out. "Mine' s a mess, so I think it would be best to go to yours this time." Matthew said. "Allright, meet you in the kitchen in 15? I need a shower first." Aether said.

Some time later in Aether's room, the duo were glued to the tv screen, two plates of veggie stirfry and a couple of beers on the table infront of them. They had a deal that if Matthew would Cook for the ghoul, then Aether would bring the Brother with him into the music room a couple of times a week for jam sessions. They'd been doing this for the past 4 months, and always ended up eating way too much (Brother Matthew was a damn fine Cook), and Aether would complain about stomach aches that Matthew would mindlessly rub away whilst watching their movie. Had he only known the ghoul kept overeating on purpose, just to get those precious minutes of physical contact from the man...

***************  
They never got to the end of Lilo and Stitch, both of them falling asleep, exhausted and sated from the jamming and the feast they had afterwards. Aether woke up some time later, noting the silence around them, the moonlight illuminating Matthew's features where he was clinging to the ghoul like a huge teddybear in his sleep. Allthough he enjoyed the cuddling, he didn't know if the Brother would be comfortable with it. "Matt, wake up," he said, reluctantly shaking Matthew awake, whilst gently removing himself from undereath him. "Mm whass'at?" Brother Matthew grumbled, struggling to open his eyes. "We fell asleep on the couch, do you want to go back to yours or stay here? There's plenty of room for the both of us" Aether said, pointing to the massive double bed at the other side of the room.

"I should go back to mine, I have the breakfast shift tomorrow" Matthew said, standing up and stretching. In truth he wanted nothing more than crawl into the big inviting bed with Aether, preferably with no space between them. But he couldn't. Because then Aether would find out. And the ghoul could never know...


	2. You could be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Matthew's secret?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst, angst, and angst. Oh, and did I mention angst? maaaaybe some not so angsty bits too ;)

" I just don't know what to do.." Matthew sighed heavily. He turned over in bed, brushing away a stray lock of hair from Papa's forehead, before snuggling in close, feeling a strong pair of arms wrap around him. Papa's voice vibrated under his cheek. "Either you tell the Ghoul your feelings for him, or you keep doing what the two of you are doing now, and you come to me to get rid of the pent up frustration, feeling guilty that I'm not him. I think the choice is pretty obvious, no?" A small kiss was pressed to his forehead. Papa was right, he couldn't keep doing this, going crazy over Aether, and then running to Papa's bed to try to fuck the other man out of his mind. It didn't work, it never did, and it was unfair to Papa.

Of course, Papa felt a certain amount of pride in the fact that he was the only one who got to see the Sibling like this, at his most vulnerable, but also sadness, that he had so little faith in himself that he couldn't truly be himself with the person he loved, terrified of being rejected for something he had no controll over. That's why Matthew went to Papa. Papa didn't judge, or make Matthew feel inadequate. He celebrated bodies of all types, and rejoiced in the pleasure he could bring them. The Brother sighed and sat up, adjusted his binder and got out of bed. His boxers were nowhere to be found, and feeling a dark, heavy cloud settled over his mind, he decided to just leave them, and get back to his own room as soon as possible. The two men didn't exchange words whilst Matthew dressed, Papa sensing his mood. Instead he quietly got out of bed and enveloped him in a hug. " Please think about what I said," the Pope whispered into the Siblings black locks, his usually neatly done pompadour all disheveled from their previous activities. " I want to see you happy. You deserve to be." Matthew didn't reply, he merely stared at Papa and shrugged, before opening the door and scurrying back to the safety of his bedroom.

********************************

The light from his phone broke him out of the staring competition Matthew was currently having with the wall. A snap from Aether with the words " Where are you?" written over a picture of the practice room, drums specifically. Confused, Matthew checked the time, and realized that for the first time since they started hanging out, he hadn't gone to jam with the Ghoul on their customary time. He also did the mental math and figured that it had been 3 days since the last time he left his room. As if slowly waking from a daze, he starting taking in his surroundings, and becoming aware of the hunger pangs coming from his stomach. Not sure what to say or how to explain to Aether that he really wanted to hang out with him but he was too scared and also currently a prisoner to his own mind, he threw his phone back on the bed with a frustrated sigh, and resumed his staring contest.

The knocks on his door interupted his staring a while later. Matthew didn't answer. The knocks became more insistent. " Open up, Matt, I know you're in there", Aether called from the other side of the door. ' Maybe if I stay quiet, he'll go away..' The Brother surmised. But after three more knocks and more pleas for Matt to let him in, he wasn't so sure he wanted Aether to leave him alone. He argued with himself, deciding on the pros and cons of getting up and facing the Ghoul. 

In the end, Matthew never actually got a say in wether or not to open the door, as it a few seconds later flew of its hinges and toppled over and onto his floor with a loud crash. Wincing as the lights from the hallway streamed into the otherwise pitch black room, he locked eyes with a terrified looking Aether. " What in satans name are you doing!?" Matthew shouted, still not making sense of the situation. " Nobody's seen you in forever and you never answered me, I was worried" Aether mumbled whilst casually picking the busted door up from the floor and placing it back onto its hinges as best as he could. "What's going on? Are you ok?" He asked, concern seeping into his gaze as he took it the Matthew-shaped lump under the duvet.

"I..I'm.." And then the tears came. Before his first tear had even managed to start its journey down Matthew's cheek, the Ghoul was there, holding him close and running a soothing hand up and down his back. The Brother was unable to form words, and could do little other than bury his face in Aether's chest, sobbing and clinging to him for dear life. 

Aether said nothing, just let Matthew cry against his chest, feeling his own heart break for the man, wanting to but not knowing how to take the pain away. After what felt like an eternity and the Brother not showing any sign of calming down, Aether did the only thing he could think of that always worked on his fellow ghouls when they came to him seeking comfort. Never letting go of Matthew, he carefully repositioned so he was flat on his back on the bed and pulled the smaller man on top of himself, nestling him into the crook of his neck and wrapping his arms as tight around the Brother as he dared without risking crushing him, and then he started purring. 

Matthew startled at first, not realizing what the rumbling sound beneath him was, but soon found the combination of the purrs, the warmth of the solid body beneath him and the scent that was just strictly Aether soon managed to pull him out of his despairing thoughts. After a few more minutes, his sobs stopped, and the only evidence left over from his cryfest, was his puffy face and the thoroughly soaked shirt beneath him. Realizing just how pathetic he must look in the Ghoul's eyes, Matthew scrambled, trying to sit up and was about to start apologizing profusely, before Aether firmly shut him up by pulling him back down. " I don't know what excactly is going on in that brilliant mind of yours, but it doesn't seem like it is something pleasant, and you look like you need some TLC, so just calm down, and let me take care of ya, alright?" The Ghoul said rather resolutely, and being too exhausted to put a fight, Matthew just nodded meekly and returned his head to where it had previously rested on Aether's shoulder. The purring resumed, and Matthew could feel himself becoming more and more grounded by each passing minute.

No words were exchanged, only soft sighs and the occasional sniffle broke the silence every now and then. Until Matthew's stomach complained loudly, that was. "Sorry 'bout that.." He said, blushing. Aether just looked at him with worry in his eyes. "When was the last time you ate?" Matthew had to think hard for a second. " Uhm... What day is it today?"

" Tuesday," Aether replied, raising an eyebrow. After doing the mental math, Matthew replied, " I think I ate some noodles on friday.." Aether sighed but did otherwise not say anything. Just as he suspected Matthew had fallen asleep, the Brother started talking. "There's something I need to tell you, Big guy..." Matthew started, but seemed to struggle on phrasing what he was going to say next, repeatedly opening his mouth, only to quickly shut it again. "Just take your time, Matt, I'll be here for as long as you want me." That seemed to be the wrong thing to say.

"But that's excactly it! You won't! You're gonna find me gross or freakish or something and leave. Just like everybody else.." Matthew sighed and sat up, distancing himself from the Ghoul and wrapped his arms around his knees. The Ghoul was too stunned at Matthew's outburst to do much else to sit there, confusion and worry clear on his face. After drawing a deep breath, Matthew stood up from the bed, removed his hoodie and bared his binder covered chest to the Ghoul. "I'm transgender, Aether. I'm not the man I pretend to be, and I apologize for lying to you, and everyone else, for that matter..." Fresh tears spilled over his cheeks and he turned his eyes down, not willing to look at Aether whilst waiting for the horrible words he knew would soon follow.

They never came.

"Matt, look at me, please." When the Brother refused, Aether scooted over to the edge of the bed and put a finger under Matthew's chin, tilting his head up so he could see his eyes. The tears he found made his heart clench. "Don't ever apologize for things you have no control over. Don't ever apologize for being who you are. You could have the body of a squid for all I care, I'd still be your best mate, I'll always be." Aether got up from the bed, trying to embrace Matthew, but was stopped by an outstretched hand, resting on his chest. Matthew felt relieved by Aether's understanding, but also knew that he couldn't stop now. He had to come clean about everything on his mind, lest he never got the courage to do so again.

" That's just the thing though... I don't want to be your best friend forever," Matthew responded. Hurt and confusion tinted Aether's eyes at his words. " I want to be your safe place when you have bad days. I want you to randomly think of me and smile throughout your day. I want the gross morningbreath kisses, the late night dates. I want to be the last thing on your mind as you fall asleep and I want to be the first thing you think of in the morning. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine." Matthew ran out of steam towards the end of his declaration, slumping towards the wall. He waited for the awful words, the mockery, the pain, he knew was coming, but at the same time he felt an odd sense of peace at having finally come clean about the things weighing down on his consciousness.

He was not prepared for Aether's lips depserately moving upon his own, the Ghoul's large hands making their way into his hair. Too stunned to respond, all Matthew could do was stand frozen in shock, before his brain suddenly came back online, and he gently shoved Aether away with his hands on the Ghoul's broad chest. "Don't do that if you don't mean it, or if you just feel bad for me. I couldn't stand having experienced such pure bliss for it only to be torn away from me." 

"You absolute moron," Aether said, before reclaiming Matthew's lips with his own. This time, the Brother planted his hands on the Ghoul's hips, holding on as if he was scared he'd float away if he didn't pin the Ghoul down. They ended up back on the bed, lips never parting. The Brother ended up on top of the Ghoul, nestled between muscular thighs, Aether's arms wrapped tightly around Matthew's neck, as if scared someone might steal him away at any second. 

Their kissing became less frantic after a while, trading ravishing nips, licks and bites for sweet pecks and nuzzles on lips, cheeks and necks. They ended up in their original position, Matthew's nose buried in the Ghouls neck, this time scenting and nuzzling him, Aether purring happily beneath him.


End file.
